The Rule of Closets says you will accumulate 10% more stuff than you have storage space.
The Rule of Sidewalks says that if you are in a hurry you will find yourself on a narrow sidewalk
behind a large, omnidirectional ambler.
The ambler will wield a four-pronged cane in one hand,
and in the other clutch a sturdy plastic bag crammed with the contents of a small mobile home.
The Rule of Bar-code stickers says there will be one item in your shopping cart that is missing its bar-code,
and the check-out person will not be able to find the item in the computer,
and the roaming price-check guy will be in the furthest aisle of the store,
unable to slide past a large ambling person
wielding a four-pronged cane,
and pushing an omnidirectional cart piled high with enough paper goods to fill a small mobil home.
The Rule of Packaging says that the manufacturer’s number one priority is the delivery of pristine product.
This directly conflicts with the purchaser’s priority, which is to gain access to the pristine product.
Necessary dispackaging equipment for the purchaser will include metal shears, headlamp, a pair of chainmail gloves, and a blacksmith’s apron.
Special packaging is designed for all parties of a dozen or more young children where, after having consumed two pounds of sugar per child, the group will be instructed to sit quietly while packages are opened.
Such packages require jack hammer, a portable vibration-absorbing floor pad, and 13 pairs of ear plugs. (Glue and duct tape should be on hand for potential repair needs, while internet access is recommended for reassembly instructions.)
The Rule of Lane Changing says the lunatic weaving in and out of traffic will scare the daylights out of 9 of 10 other drivers on the road. The other driver will be otherwise absorbed in texting messages about being late, due to heavy rush hour traffic which, somehow, came as a surprise to him.
The lane changer will make no progress relative to other drivers until, with a raised, triumphant fist, he runs a red light, narrowly missing a large, ambling pedestrian who is, mercifully, slow to enter the crosswalk.
The Rule of Cops says he will be seated at a counter, eating a powdered doughnut when all this takes place (unless the lunatic driver happens to be you.)
The Rule of Business Phones says that large companies will spend 50% more on phone automation than the cost of hiring service representatives to answer their calls directly.
For every million dollars spent, callers will listen to instructions for one additional response option.
If there are three or more options, all will be irrelevant to the caller’s concerns.
Callers will be stunned by this predicament. Computers will recognize human hesitance and will respond with exaggerated patience, “Would you like this message repeated?”
Callers will continue to hesitate, and the computer, having reached the limit of its programed patience, will apologize as it disconnects the call.
Callers, unwilling to be stymied by a “dumb computer” will try again, only to encounter the same routine. At this point callers, in frustration, will begin shouting into the phone, “How ‘bout a person? Can I talk to a person!?”
Strangely, this works. The computer voice says, “So you would like to talk to a person?”
(Stunned silence…)
“I’m sorry, did you say you would like to talk to a person?”
“YES!”
“Please hold….I’m sorry, all of our representatives are currently engaged on other important calls. Please hold. Thank you for your patience. Your call is very important to us. Please hold.”
Cue the low fidelity music: Top Elevator Tunes by the Tin-Ear Retirement Home Marching Kazoo Band, interrupted every 30 seconds by the announcement, “A representative will be with you shortly. Please hold.”
Then, “For quality control purposes, this conversation may be recorded.” This announcement is designed to give callers second thoughts about the expletive-laden diatribes they have been formulating. (Johns, Roberts & Pickleheimer Consultants, a renowned consulting firm, had determined that clients were frustrated with the automated system, and were taking out their frustration on the sweatshop-waged customer service department. J,R&P consequently provided a 75 page analysis, complete with 22 illustrated recommendations in descending value order. Management selected and adopted item #17, the aforementioned message about quality control. Staff were deeply heartened.)
Finally a human voice: “Good morning. This is Gupta. How can I help you today?” Callers nearly fall out of their chairs as they toss their magazines or doodling or fingernail clippers aside, having nearly forgotten about being on the phone.
“Uh, yeah, I got an email that says I’m overdue for payment, but my account is set up for automatic payments.”
“Yes, we’ve been having some difficulties with that software. I can fix that for you. I’ll just need a bit more information from you, if you don’t mind. Can you give me the last four digits of your Social Security number, your your mother’s maiden name, your blood type, the first name of your primary care provider’s receptionist, and the combination of your seventh grade hall locker. The security of our customers is of utmost importance to us….”
The Rule of Bosses says the new boss will be a table-thumping narcissist, who is passionate about what he brings to the company, if he says so himself.
He will demonstrate this by:
rewriting the company mission statement, inspired by his reading of the chapter headings from O’Mally’s Authoritative Guide To Corporate Cliches;
by calling for the redesigning of all corporate processes, since change equals brilliance;
and by playing golf.
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