Republican Party Platform: Just leave me alone so I can make money. In the evenings I will sit on my front porch, M16 in one hand, Bud in the other, pistol on the side table. I will shoot any intruder on my lawn. The Democrats are demons. 

Democratic Party Platform: I will spend your money to pretend I am solving environmental problems. I will spend your money to finance national sexual anarchy. I will proclaim love for all minorities while promoting all policies that ruin them. The Republicans are fascist, racist, sexist pigs. – E.O.