“A wave of new research suggests social separation is bad for us. Individuals with less social connection have disrupted sleep patterns, altered immune systems, more inflammation and higher levels of stress hormones. One recent study found that isolation increases the risk of heart disease by 29 percent and stroke by 32 percent.
“Another analysis that pooled data from 70 studies and 3.4 million people found that socially isolated individuals had a 30 percent higher risk of dying in the next seven years, and that this effect was largest in middle age.
“Loneliness can accelerate cognitive decline in older adults, and isolated individuals are twice as likely to die prematurely as those with more robust social interactions. These effects start early: Socially isolated children have significantly poorer health 20 years later, even after controlling for other factors. All told, loneliness is as important a risk factor for early death as obesity and smoking.” – Druv Khullar (article in New York Times)
Sadly, in spite of a world of increasing population density and much greater connection opportunity, individuals in our society are tending to be more and more isolated. Little doubt, our electronic gadgetry, rather than helping, hinders. Rather than shake hands and look others in the eye, we email; transact business on the web; shop on the web; walk about, staring at smart phones; and get entertainment from video libraries and television. Even Facebook, used in heavy doses, has been shown to isolate and cause depression, more than serving to connect people.
There are other factors driving societal isolation, of course. The use of the automobile is an example. In 1950 there were 49 million registered vehicles in the U.S. In 2015 there were 263 million. Baby boomers have seen the number of cars multiply five times in their lifetimes. Cars, like big cocoons, isolate us from one another, and even as they function as mutual threats. Anyone can use his vehicle as a missile, whether accidentally or intentionally. But even the threat is mostly anonymous.
Much more relationally damaging than cars is the unquestioned pursuit of individual freedom that continues to loosen the bonds of family. We have replaced the “chains” of marriage with “kite strings”. The loss of relational inter-dependability has exacted a terrible toll, especially among the children of broken homes. Similarly, the erosion of involvement in churches has removed many from larger circles of committed and trustworthy relationships.
We have turned from relationships and have been sucked into the vortex of a capitalistic system that accesses our preferences, relentlessly selling our preferences back to us, wrapping us more thickly into narcissistic cocoons.
It may be that you have concluded that other humans are headaches, are deceptive and destructive, and that, for your own peace of mind, you limit your exposure to them as much as possible. There is some justification for such a perspective; people are dangerous. However, such thinking runs headlong into conflict with the teachings of God.
Israel was established as a nation of twelve tribes. God established his kingdom on earth around the structure of family. The theme of family permeates the Bible, culminating in the book of Revelation (the last book of the Bible) where the New Jerusalem, a metaphoric representation of God’s people, is described as having 12 gates, each representing a tribe of Israel. The gates themselves imply that entry into the City of God (or Heaven) happens only through the family of God.
The Law, delivered to Moses, was always about maintaining healthy relationships. When asked what was the most important commandment, Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” – Matthew 22:37-40. Observance of the Law was never a matter of following a set of rules—it was and is about respecting, blessing, and loving one another.
The New Testament, frequently uses the terms “brother” and “sister” to describe all believers. “But he [Jesus]replied to the man who told him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” And stretching out his hand toward his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.” – Matthew 12.48-50. Notice that Jesus refers to God as his father. In other places we have examples of God being called “our Father” (Our Father in Heaven, hallowed be thy name…). Here Jesus underscores the idea that all Christians are part of a family in which God himself is the father.
The very idea of Church suggests a society. The Greek word for church is ecclesia. In ancient Greece this would have referred to a political assembly of citizens; for Christians it is the term for the assembly of those who are citizens of the Kingdom of God. The church is not the building; it is the congregation.
Another metaphor used to describe the association of believers is: “Body of Christ”. The Apostle Paul argues that, though the Church is made up of all sorts of people, they are required to function cohesively, as the ears cooperate with the eyes, etc. God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it. – 1Corinthians 12. 24-27
God has always intended for us to live in community. If God commands us to act, it is always for our own good. And, yet, we are all tempted to build our moats and hide ourselves away. Some of us do this a little; some of us do it to extremes.
There are specific practices that contribute to our isolation tendencies. One error is that we forget we are called to serve one another. Whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever who would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. – Matthew 20.26-28
Service is a big part of the meaning of love. It is the principle that we are not to live selfishly but selflessly. The way of the world and the credos of social Darwinism are “dog-eat-dog” and “to the victor belongs the spoils.” The problem with this approach, to borrow another proverb, is that, “sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes the bar eats you”.
The Christian ideal recognizes the value in mutual support. Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken. – Ecclesiastes 4.9-12
The Christian ideal is further driven by empathy. We see ourselves in others. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. Psalm 103:13–14
We see that others are fearfully and wonderfully made, that they are human, and that God has assigned them all great value. God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. – Genesis 1.27
When we recognize that service is integral to the purpose of our lives, we structure our lives to emphasize it. Service will drive us into contact with others, and even into close relationships.
Another inhibitor to relationships is our belief that we can withhold forgiveness. Stories in the news about who is abusing whom are unending. No doubt, many of the accusations are true. Sin is pervasive and is in all of us. All of us can be, have been, and will be abusers in some form or another. We harm and we have been harmed. One reason we retreat inside our shells is to avoid the constant and sometimes horrible abuse.
To an extent, being self-protective is necessary. We can’t make ourselves completely vulnerable without expecting that someone, maybe lots of people, will exploit that vulnerability. Wisdom says that we should not give trust indiscriminately; trust is something to grant to those who have shown themselves trustworthy.
On the other hand, we are called on to forgive.
The Parable of the Two Servants underscores the importance of this. One servant was forgiven a great debt but, shortly after, refused to forgive a small debt that was owed to him.
Imagine yourself before God, the Judge, while a Prosecutor reads all your transgressions, all the charges that could rightly be named against you. The reading might well take several days. The parable makes clear that if we hope and expect Jesus to forgive us our sins (and we should have this hope and expectation), we may not fail to forgive others their transgressions against us.
How do we do this? We must recognize that their debts, whatever they may be, have also been paid. We, as Christ’s witnesses, testify of his works whenever we grant forgiveness. (We cannot pardon others for their sins but we can pardon their offenses against us.) To do so is to be an image bearer of Jesus Christ. To fail to do so is to bear false witness. And we can forgive out of a sense of thanksgiving. To have all your sins forgiven is truly a wonderful state that ought to fill us with joy. Filled with gratitude and joy, there is no room in our hearts for harboring the bitterness of past slights or crimes.
Similar to the failure to forgive is the tendency to be easily offended. Many people don’t understand the difference between being offended and taking offense. When someone steals your car, that is an offense. When someone corrects your spelling, that is not an attack against the essence of your being; it is constructive criticism, even when the other person doesn’t utilize the deferential tone you have come to believe is your right.
Some people you just can’t tease, or question, or make remarks contrary to the implications of their conversation. One lighthearted remark leads to years of anger and repercussion. Being around such people is difficult, so we tend to limit our exposure to them. This doesn’t make for good professional or family relationships. Being thin-skinned is like wearing a bold-letter sandwich board that says: “Beware the one herein! I will attack your ancestry and your sex, I will take you to court for every perceived slight.”
It is a grave weakness. We do such things because we believe it important to protect our reputations. Ironically, the more we fight to protect our reputations the less respect others feel towards us. They see that it is all about insecurity. I love Ralph Waldo Emerson’s quote: “The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons.”
Once, Mother Teresa was asked what she thought of her critics’ negative remarks about her. She responded, “Whatever they may say about me is not half as bad as the truth.” We Christians believe that we are sinners—even that our every action is stained by sin, but when accused of a particular sin, we have fits of self-righteous rage. If we are honest, we will not be easily offended, even when someone says false things about us. Grace calls for us to let abuse go…or at least to not magnify its significance.
Defensiveness demonstrates insecurity. However, from another perspective, we must admit there are good reasons for us to feel insecure. We all face problems, some of which are too difficult. How about cyber-security? How do we protect ourselves from Russian hackers…or the thousands of other hackers prowling about the internet like hyenas looking for wounded wildebeests? How do we protect ourselves from legitimate businesses that have no qualms about using data and psychology to wring purchases out of us that we would be better off not making? It’s a struggle to keep up with the passwords, security locks, malware software, etc.
When we’re in social settings, do we come across as interesting, engaging and admirable? Or are we people others would rather avoid?
How will we protect ourselves from global warming, or if there is no global warming, the capricious ways of nature? Will my house be washed away in a flood? Will it be flattened by a hurricane? Will it burn in a forest fire? Will it be blown up by thunder and lightning?
How will we keep ourselves from being blown up in a crowded shopping mall, or being run over by a drunk driver, or from being beaten with a bat while we sleep?
How will we manage our declining health? Will there be enough money to pay for a pleasant place to live as we totter and dodder about in our dotage? Will we be afflicted with horrible diseases? Will our loved ones still love us when we are no longer of use to them?
So let’s be honest. We are weak and we are insufficient for the problems we face. In fact, we all will ultimately fail. We will all die. Death is the great failure and it is our great shame. How can we be secure then?
Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. – 1 Corinthians 15.55,56
We know that for those who love God all things work together for good. – Romans 8.28
The Lord God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. – Zephaniah 3.17
So while we have every reason to be insecure in ourselves, because Christ is our Lord and Savior, we also have all good reason to be at peace, calm about our circumstances, and confident in the individual value he has assigned each one of us. Because of the liberating Christ we are free to live life fully, with panache, and with joy in his service.
He intends for us to live abundant lives. “Abundant life” fundamentally means rich in character, rich in health, and rich in relationships. Rich in relationships does not mean we have to be extroverts. Many of us are not. What it does mean, though, is that we value our relationships, that we pursue those relationships, and that we nurture those relationships. We will all be happier when we do.
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